The Ultimate Guide to Raising an Evil Dog

Pure Evil

“Your dog is a psychopath,” said Skylar Shilts, as my dog Sadie was chewing on her foot. I have to say I would agree. Just look at her. If that dog doesn’t scream “I am an insane psychopath that will tear you to shreds,” I don’t know what does. Our family got Sadie in August when she was just a few months old. I thought we were going to get an adorable, sweet little puppy, but when I got home from work, I was shocked to see this terrifying little creature from the underworld.

The Calm Before the Storm

For the first week or so, Sadie tried to hide her nefarious agenda, but I saw right through it. She pretended to “sleep” all day long, when in reality, she was plotting my family’s demise. Sure, she looked cute while she was curled up on the boat, and sure, she had an adorably awkward way of laying down, but inside, she was definitely scheming.

Getting Cheeky

As Sadie became more comfortable with her new home, she began to show her hostility a little more openly. It started with constant angry barking. “Hey, nice to see you, Sadie. How are yo—”

“BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK“

It got really old really fast. After months and months of us ignoring her idiotic interruptions, she finally realized that she needed to get our attention another way.

Biting, Biting, and More Biting

Soon, Sadie began to sink her teeth into anything she could find. Her chew toys, my mom’s Birkenstocks, the leg of the table, my actual leg, nothing was off limits. We learned that the best way to teach a puppy to stop biting was to yelp like a dog when he or she bites too hard. This is supposed to mimic how puppies express pain to other puppies while they are playing around. Maybe this idea sounds like it would work, but you sound like a freaking lunatic. It didn’t really work, and our family sounded like a bunch of morons for a while. We are currently using the “ignore and walk away method,” which is working fairly well.